Wow! That’s one BIG deal breaker for me. Don’t care how long I’ve been married, I’d divorce him in a second for having watched, and gone back for more, child porn. No excuse for that. Good luck to you and your kids.First, thank you for your compassionate good wishes. Wishing the kids and me well means more than you know. I agree that there is "no excuse for that."
If you had asked me years ago what I would do if my husband were investigated for child porn, I would have said that I would divorce him. Easy. It is easy to know what you would do in a hypothetical situation. It is easy to know what you would do if you were married to a pervert like mine, especially when your husband is definitely not interested in illegal images. Now, turn and look at someone you love absolutely--your spouse, your child, your brother, your father. Imagine learning that he (it is usually a "he") is in trouble for child porn. Could you really turn your back on him? Just walk away and leave him to deal with it alone? I could not.
Many men consider, and some accomplish, suicide when they are in trouble for something so incredibly shameful. The guilt and shame is extremely difficult to bear. And you know what? They don't even need to be guilty of using child porn to feel that way. They need only to be accused. Walk away from the father of my children when he's desperate enough to consider suicide? What kind of monster would I be?
Walking away from the marriage would not have saved me the heartache, the worry, or the shame of being associated with such awful stuff. It would not have saved the kids from the terror, the confusion, the humiliation. The best way to protect the kids was to stay together. Our family is stronger together and we will be even stronger when we have gotten through this.
His interest in porn does not define him. Surely you know people who are good people, even if they have some pretty awful shortcomings. Many of us, for example, know alcoholics who are stellar beings--intelligent, loyal, loving--except for when they are drinking. It is the same with porn addicts. My husband is a wonderful husband and father. The porn is a very small piece of him.
If I had left him, I would have missed the joy of watching him tackle his porn addiction head-on. I would have missed seeing his determination to get out of bed every single day, do what he needed to do for our family every single day, even when doing so must have been excruciatingly painful. I would have missed watching his slow progress from suicidal despair to a confidence in his ability to be a better man.
I wouldn't have missed that for anything.