Saturday, January 28, 2012

are you like me?

My husband is under investigation for possession of child pornography. Our family has been dumped into the uncertainty of the legal system and the certainty of public humiliation. At the beginning, fear and anger were all I could feel. Fear of our family being damaged beyond help, anger at my helplessness. Thrown into the legal system, I have no control over what will happen.

Child pornography carries a special stigma in our society. Those who look at child porn are equated with those who sexually abuse children and record that abuse. Downloading and looking at the images is seen as so shameful that these people should be branded for life. In the zealous pursuit of safety for the children, families are destroyed. I want to speak for the families, for the children ignored in cases like this. Families and children like mine.

I hope others in my situation find this blog and find it helpful to know they are not alone. Only a few people around me know what is happening in my life. Telling others is scary, so I don't. I want this to be a safe place for others to talk about the confusion and helplessness, the fear and anger. 

12 comments:

Dolly said...

In the zealous pursuit of safety for the children, families are destroyed.... What about the victims of the abuse? I am sorry as a mother I am all for keeping our kids safe from perverts that find them attractive and desirable.

Cynthia V said...

Quick question, was your husband aware of the reprecautions for having child porn on his computer? I'm sure he knew it is illegal and what could happen if he got caught. He took the risk didn't he? You should be angry with him, not with the system.

Our Family Is His said...

I am so sorry your husband decided to put your sweet, innocent children at risk like this, to put you at risk like this. Thankfully good cops wouldn't shoot an innocent person doing nothing, so while you were emotionally hurt so much that day and your husband decided to rip your family apart, you were safe that day. But the emotional pain he decided to put his family through must be agonizing. He cheated on you, hurt his children, upped their chances for a lot of big issues in life, and committed a horrible crime. That must be a lot for you to process. I can't even imagine having to go through that. I will pray for your family as you walk through the pain he has put you in, the victims of his crime (as they are still being victimized even if your husband is now in prison since it doesn't sound like he was the taker of the pictures/movies/images), and him in hopes he will deal with his sickness, get the help he needs, and be able to be a productive member of society once he returns from prison.

Lisa said...

Yes, I am like you. I'm living in a nightmare and I'm not sure how I get up every morning, look after my children and keep breathing all day long. I just don't know x

Marie said...

Lisa, I am sorry you and your family are stuck in this nightmare. You are far from the only one. The fact that you DO get up every morning says much about your strength. I hope you are able to find time to see a counselor for yourself and I hope you have support from family and friends. It is very difficult to stand up all alone. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Sarah said...

I am in this nightmare too. So much love to all of you dealing with it.

Marie said...

Welcome, Sarah. Not sure where you and your family are in this process. We found that the most terrible time was all the waiting and uncertainty and terror that goes with the time of unknowing. What will his charges be? When will others find out? What will his sentence be? As completely sad and terrible as it was when he went away, there is a kind of settled feeling that comes with knowing that now we are counting down instead of waiting for things to begin. It helps us to know that the same God is with both of us...and with you, Sarah. I wish you well.

saralynn said...

It's hard to say, but I'm going through the same thing. I have three children and had been married to my husband for 10 years without knowing about his child porn addiction. I just want to wake up from the nightmare. My kids and I are hurting and it's been 7 months now since he was arrested. I am leaving him. I just can't accept it. I could never trust him again. It's a huge embarrassment to my family and me and don't want my husband to be associated to me or my children. The families going through this should know that they aren't alone and everything you're feeling is completely normal. May your journey be as easy as it can be during this process.

Marie said...

Welcome, saralynn. Deciding whether to stay or go can be a hard decision but each of us chooses his or her own way. I knew that leaving my husband didn't solve anything for us and that staying together kept all of us stronger. Your situation is not mine, however.

If your husband is not in jail already, I hope he is able to use this time before prison to get help for his addiction. To have something so shameful suddenly exposed must be terrifying for him. I hope your children will be able to look back as adults and be able to admire the path their father chose after his porn habit was discovered.

I wish you well.

Sophie Piper said...

I am in this nightmare. He was not convicted but he still needs help which he is getting. We are not living together because of our baby and we haven't for over a year now.

Marie said...

Sophie,
You must be happy that he is able to get the help he needs. When he begins to gain control over the source of his shame, he will begin to heal. Both of you will. Feel free to email me if you need an ear.

TheWife said...

This is my 2nd comment on your blog and I wanted to 'introduce' myself here as I may be compelled to comment as I read through more.

As the wife of a registered sex offender at times I felt very isolated as we went through the legal process so wanted to share a source of support I found invaluable here in the UK. The Lucy Faithfull Foundation and Stop It Now in the UK to be useful online resources.

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation website contains information regarding appropriate and inappropriate sexual behaviour in children and helped me to immediately review and reassess my husbands risk to our own children.

Stop It Now leaflets are handed out by police forces in the UK to offenders families following arrest. They provide a helpline that can be accessed by anyone affected by the offending (me, the kids, my family/friends) and they provide group work with offenders partners to help them understand and make sense of their partners behaviour (or ex partner as the case may be). Stop It Now were at times the only people I could speak to about the issue and quite possibly saved my sanity on occasion.

As a result of the information I received over the months I have decided to stand by my husband and try to be part of his rehabilitation. It is difficult, challenges my own deeply held beliefs and it is in no way a decision set in stone, but is where we are at this point in time.