once again: if it weren't your husband...

Upon hearing about a man convicted on child pornography charges, many women declare that if it were their husband, they know exactly what they would do. They would turn him in themselves, they would hold him at gunpoint, they would hate him forever, they would kick him out of the house, they would damage or remove his testicles, they would abandon him without thinking twice, they would never let him see the children again. He would be so gone.

Perhaps these women know themselves very well and this is exactly what they would do. I will take them at their sometimes bloodthirsty word. 

My favorites, though, are the ones who say they are glad they will never have to worry about their husbands looking at child porn. They are just that sure. For their sake, I hope they are right. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, not even those who think CPS should come take my kids because I didn't leave my husband. 

Those of us who have husbands in trouble for child pornography, well, we were caught off guard. We didn't have time to concoct elaborate plans. And if we had elaborate plans for such an unthinkable day, the unthinkable day trashed our plans. Seeing our husbands in trouble, seeing our husbands facing the worst trouble imaginable--facing unimaginable trouble!--we reacted as if these men truly were our husbands. These were the men we promised to love and cherish. How could we abandon them? These are the men we do love and cherish.

How could we tell our children that the father they love--the father who taught them to ride a bike, who takes them fishing, who reads bedtime stories, who knows how to explain math, who never once touched them inappropriately--is just so much mud to be wiped off their shoes?

Here's the thing: It isn't always your husband who gets caught. 

What if your brother were going to prison? Would you abandon him? What about your father? Love isn't a garden hose. You cannot simply turn a spigot and stop the love.

What if it were your son? Could you leave your son to deal with the justice system on his own?

It isn't always the husband. Life is funny that way.

child porn images are not like peas in a pod

Ah. Another site where people are freaking out over my situation. Three samples of what some of the commenters think about me: 

Vile. That woman is completely vile. Can not comprehend how she is defending him. 

I think that her children should be taken away and she should be institutionalized because this is some sick sh*t.  

This "lady" is not standing by her man, she is supporting his horrible crime. She is as sick and disgusting as the pig she married.

Oh, my goodness. So much vitriol directed toward someone they have never met. So much certainty that they know the whole story and they know what should be done about it. One commenter is sure that she knows the depths of my husband's depravity:

OMG that guy is gonna rape a kid someday, and it will probably be one of his own!

Not only do they know what I should do and what the "authorities" should do about me, they know exactly what they would do if their husband were to get into trouble because of child porn:

I love my husband with all my heart but if he had child porn I would throw him under the bus myself, possibly literally. 

"With all your heart"? I don't believe that for a moment if you would leave your husband when he faces the worst trouble he's ever seen. If you love your child "with all your heart", will you abandon him just as quickly if he were ever to face child porn charges?

I have never blogged about the kind of child porn found on my husband's computer, so readers don't know what he was looking at. Images classified as child pornography fall in a wide range. I have found descriptions of images that I am unable to finish reading because they describe such unspeakably cruel acts. Naked pictures of a girl a week before her eighteenth birthday are considered child porn. Two weeks later, and it isn't child porn. Images of naked teenagers in front of a webcam are considered child porn. The images are not all alike. It is crazy to pretend that they are. Disapprove of what my husband did (as I do), but don't pretend that you know what he was looking at.

A common belief among the hysterics is that looking at child porn means the guy is going to attack a child at some point. If that were true, then all men who subscribe to Playboy magazine should be locked up to prevent all the rapes they are likely to commit. Oh, but adult porn is legal! you protest. Yes, it is. But if looking at child porn makes a person more likely to commit a hands-on crime, that same predilection would be there for those who look at adult porn, too.

My heartfelt thanks to cdnstorelady, the commenter who said,

I didn't read the entire blog but I didn't see anywhere that referenced that she didn't see anything wrong with it.... the blog is all about how a spouse is dealing with a charge that is yet unproven - her husband is innocent until proven guilty and she's trying to deal with the fact that her family is being destroyed in the process of his prosecution. She never said she doesn't feel compassion for the victims. But her children are her priority naturally.

Her compassion is appreciated. Later, she makes it clear that she disagrees with me about how serious looking at child porn should be treated in the courts but she also makes it clear that she was able to listen to me with an open mind and an open heart.

internet anonymity = virtual courage

Not too long ago, my blog was hit with a bunch of comments from people eager to tell me how wrong I am to stand by my husband. A couple of examples:

If you are truly concerned about how your children will fare, I might suggest you take this time to choose their welfare over their father's and leave him, change your name, and remove them from the aegis of shame that his actions might cause them. 

...and... 

Shame on you. You should have removed yourself and your children away from that monster the SECOND you found out about this. You disgust me!

These are people who do not know me or my husband; they do not know the images found on his computer. They know the barest bones of our story, that my husband is charged with possession of child pornography. Internet anonymity provides the same kind of courage that liquor does, so the commenters let loose.


When I tell people who know me about the charges against my husband, they have--without fail--been supportive of our family.

To those of you reading this who are in a situation similar to mine, do not use the opinions of vitriolic strangers as a guide to making decisions about how to handle your life. You may make a decision different from mine but make the decision based on the facts, not on anonymous hysterics.

divorce him? not on your life

The third response to my comment here:

Wow! That’s one BIG deal breaker for me. Don’t care how long I’ve been married, I’d divorce him in a second for having watched, and gone back for more, child porn. No excuse for that. Good luck to you and your kids.

First, thank you for your compassionate good wishes. Wishing the kids and me well means more than you know. I agree that there is "no excuse for that."


If you had asked me years ago what I would do if my husband were investigated for child porn, I would have said that I would divorce him. Easy. It is easy to know what you would do in a hypothetical situation. It is easy to know what you would do if you were married to a pervert like mine, especially when your husband is definitely not interested in illegal images. Now, turn and look at someone you love absolutely--your spouse, your child, your brother, your father. Imagine learning that he (it is usually a "he") is in trouble for child porn. Could you really turn your back on him? Just walk away and leave him to deal with it alone? I could not.

Many men consider, and some accomplish, suicide when they are in trouble for something so incredibly shameful. The guilt and shame is extremely difficult to bear. And you know what? They don't even need to be guilty of using child porn to feel that way. They need only to be accused. Walk away from the father of my children when he's desperate enough to consider suicide? What kind of monster would I be?

Walking away from the marriage would not have saved me the heartache, the worry, or the shame of being associated with such awful stuff. It would not have saved the kids from the terror, the confusion, the humiliation. The best way to protect the kids was to stay together. Our family is stronger together and we will be even stronger when we have gotten through this.

His interest in porn does not define him. Surely you know people who are good people, even if they have some pretty awful shortcomings. Many of us, for example, know alcoholics who are stellar beings--intelligent, loyal, loving--except for when they are drinking. It is the same with porn addicts. My husband is a wonderful husband and father. The porn is a very small piece of him.

If I had left him, I would have missed the joy of watching him tackle his porn addiction head-on. I would have missed seeing his determination to get out of bed every single day, do what he needed to do for our family every single day, even when doing so must have been excruciatingly painful. I would have missed watching his slow progress from suicidal despair to a confidence in his ability to be a better man. 

I wouldn't have missed that for anything.